I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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