now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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