We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The beer is more important than you right now.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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