if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
