wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
