Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
