guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
