This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
