I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
