Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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