the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
