how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
