if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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