We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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