I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
