life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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