i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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