She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize