How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
