Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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