I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
