Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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