Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
