and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
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