my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
