What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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