i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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