I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I am naked and annoyed.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
