Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
