I'm gonna have a badass scar
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
