Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
