Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
