Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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