i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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