The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
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I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
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I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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