Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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