Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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