Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
