So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
