Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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