I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
