So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
