and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
handjob tips. give me some.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
