If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
