Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
