Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
