So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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