Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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