i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
