before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
