I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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