so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
