My liver just broke up with me...
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
