I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
