Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
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Do I have a choice?
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You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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