Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I need a beard to bite.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
