You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm too high and old for this...
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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